our modern world
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Saturday, May 17, 2008
the moments were there. they've always been. it all started on that summer of '06. i had become delusional. too good for my own sakes. and yet it remained but a dream, a figment of my faded imagination at least at that time. i had other things to be preoccupied with. and come to think of it, that time, it wasn't a dream. more like of a solution to what had been going on. i felt that it needed to be done to get out of that big rut that i dug myself in. it felt like a last resort but i knew it'd never be possible for the fact that it had never been done before. and though it'd come up here and there, it'd get shut down by the powers that be. it frustrates me sometimes but that's how life plays, right? yeah, it is. i've learned to downplay life and in the process pass by some bumps that may have worked to my advantage. but, stubborness goes into play. yes, i am stubborn, i dream, but it sometimes gets stuck in dreamland, never actually realizing it. i fool myself that someday it is going to happen. i even imagine it to the last detail. and usually it goes like this.
they loom, and i am but a small being. it is true, i am small compared to these giants. and pitiful me, i look left, i look right, no one. the air is thick and breaths are short and quick. im not used to it. i look to my left again, but this time not in search for someone. the lights give me the ray of hope that all this might not be too bad after all. and i still think of the chances of some serendipitous moment happening. it all sounds encouraging. but let's face the facts. i am alone. there is no one. no one. everyone has become but blocks and pixels. the events that i am familiar become but snippets. small tiny isolated events that have lost all their spirit and vigor. and yet i live with these things. too much, too much for an already troubled mind. i concentrate back to looking at my sides. im waiting. its been far too long. its been long due. but i deserve it. i knew it had to come down to this. besides, everything was pointing at this direction, and it's right that i actually go. and here i am, its all too surreal, something i could never imagine or comprehend. am i home? my breaths escape, and for a while, im frozen still. and the only warmth running through my body comes from the tune that i knew would be playing when i'm here. as i said, its been long due, and it still hasn't settled in me. .... lalala.... we took the U-bahn...
And there it goes. again and again. i know it too well. too well.
but then again, it saddens me. it does, really. it draws closer, and i feel it impending. and weirdly, i think it's all becoming real. slowly, slowly. it's possible.
and there's nothing that's going to stop me. there should be nothing at least. i don't intensely desire many things. come to think of it, this is the only thing that i feel such.
whether that's good or bad, we're not too sure. i'll find out soon. real real soon.
"there is a wall that ruuuns right through me"- kreuzberg, bloc party
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