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Saturday, November 03, 2007
if only.
the day has finally come. and i've been waiting for this too long a time. too long that i just sit around and countdown the endless seconds until today. and then i look at what has past, and indeed, it is wonderful. it is a mystery. yet its is spectacular. it's gona be stellar. and right from the start, it always was. and you and i hoped nothing will ever change. and nothing did. everything's the same. it is stellar. how everything happened. detours and such. but we went beyond that. almost died, but still went further.
above the sky, amongst the stars. i should be asleep right now. everything around me is like one big lullaby pushing me to close my eyes to the wonder of darkness. but i can't do that. not now. not for a while. not for the days to come. and so i lay awake. and again the darkness drags on until like it's never gona end. oh, i can't wait for the lights, the beautiful esplanade and the cultural hotpot. i can't wait. i now feel giddy like a child.
and then it comes down to this. again. highway lights. i can see them shimmer on my face and the black leather seats that emmanate from this poor excuse of a corona. and again, this shimmering consumes my mind and takes me to another realm wherein i believe in a lot of things. believing in things i used to believe, i want to believe and will believe. it all comes back and it's my time to shine. but it isnt the same. yet. i know that. but nonetheless, it all remains pretty. the symmetrical balance of everything, the moment, the breaths, the silence, the serenity. it is beautiful. beautiful. just like you. but you were never known for beauty. but that was according to them. but whoever cared about what they said. apparently you did. and it took one hell of a war to get you out of that. and when i open my eyes, and i see the lights passing by, then there are new lights, but not for long, they pass again. i still look forward to those lights. and you gave them a whole different meaning. they don't stand for the fear and rush that comes with speed anymore.
rest. i need it one way or another. *edit. too obvious if start describing what i feel here. let's just leave it boyishness. and that's what's weird about it. boyish? is that actually supposed to mean anything? i hope it doesn't. nothing's supposed to change. maybe im anticipating what's to come. maybe i'm not. but i probably am.
fleeting time. there's no moment enough to capture the stellar-ness that emmanates from you. from me. no, nothing is ever enough. just like all the nights before. there was none that was capped of perfectly. i used to wonder why that was so but now i see the point. and yes, the moments are not enough. nothing will ever capture what's there. no emotion will trap the moments shared. laughter, useless conversations, useless fights, useless decisions, useless studying, amazing humor, amazing wavelength, amazing thoughts, spectacular dreams, spectacular smile, killer smile, suicide. no, nothing will be enough to explain your enigma. my enigma. and we walk like there is nothing. nothing at all. it is still safe to assume all that. assume nothing. while it's still beautiful. and we're cute that way. the stellar-ness of nothing.
empty, useless, amazing moments. we can admire this city all day, all night. and we don't need to say a word. we don't even need to look at each other. we don't even need to see each other by each other's side. there is nothing we need to express or say when everything has already been laid out before us. and it's up to us to interpret and do the picking. the emptiness that is us. we can wonder why there is filipino admist all the foreigners. and it won't tire us. oh no. we'll even make a parody of it. of this and that. just like always. just like always. the uselessness is the one which drives us to where we need to go. to where we are now. beautiful beautiful city lights by an esplanade. these tiny dots blur themselves on the water and we needn't realize that they are all special. they become special because of us. we make them special with our amazingness, despite the flies and poorness. but we have no choice, back there, that's the only place where the tiny lights of the city are truly pretty. the first. and only. we don't need to reenact what happened. because it's already happening. and i couldn't ask for more.
and after 6 days. it's all over. im back to sitting. and watching the seconds endlessly go by.
i can only wish. oasis sums up everything:
he sits up on a throne, he lives a sleazy lie, but he's all alone again, again. i can see a liar, sitting by the fire, trouble in his heart, he's laughing at the thought, coming as he goes, into overdose, i wonder what he feels to me.
"there is a wall that ruuuns right through me"- kreuzberg, bloc party
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