again and again

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

les will understand this entry.

i can see yellow lights passing through my eyes. i can only... loud beeps and angry lights flash about. and that's all there is to it. i always saw myself to be alone, in death, even sometimes when just living out, but i wasn't, not now, not today, not in this moment. and no, i feel, even when seeing the red stoplight, the loneliest point when you're driving, it doesn'y become lonely, and it isn't lonely. now. you say happy boy. but there are points when one just relapses, everything falls into place and you start questioning them, why are they here, and why. it's always been why, and i've learned to just put that aside, for now. not now, i can't afford to, yet. it's been quite a while that i looked into someone's eyes. and it has been both a long and short time. and maybe all we needed to was to look away from the queen's gems and look deep into her eyes, and maybe find out that's she's like us all in the end. she is.

and i read once, that you can actually find love in a car crash. that love comes at the moment just right before the car crash. and maybe it comes even before that, way before the time the two cars actually meet each other, or even when they never meet, love could still have been there. that's been the question, how would you know that love ever came to be at whatever moment. it never needed any sense. i can live with that. it never needed any sense. i hope it won't ever. always trying to make sense out of everything, when they never needed to make sense anyway. always nonsense if not making sense. known to always saying nonsense, and i've been known to. it never needed to be there, and it didn't need to come there, love. it needn't move. just stay still and wait. and maybe like i said, love doesn't ever need to make sense, but does that mean it should be nonsense then? and this the part that i just love confusing, don't you? it could be both making sense and nonsense. but i'd prefer it to be nonsense, always have something to make sense of. or maybe we could all live by love being nonsense. but i don't think we'd live that way, now or ever. i'm not making any sense here. but i don't need to and i actually don't have to. it's funnier that way, making no sense at all. i could say that i would have a field day going to japan and picking out dolls. and still that made no sense, and i don't intend to. as much as i made no sense, here's probably something true and sensible. laughing more times than adding all the "senses" in this paragraph. now, that made sense.

are we trying to get anywhere? or maybe we're just losing all sense of how and where it will come to be. and no. we haven't lost that. maybe i've lost that for a while, but i haven't, i won't, not this time around. maybe we could get lost in the millions of dots that are pasted in the darkness. we could get lost and never come back again. and maybe we all shouldn't have. we shouldn't have come back and i wouldn't be here. i would be lost in the darkness, among the dots that vibrated in their place. and like i said at the start, i feel alone in death. and i would have preferred to be alone. but i wasn't, not now, it doesn't need to be like that, and it isn't. how it will all come to place eventually. and there's a big question right there.

and we can always wonder and wonder. wonder and wonder. alluding. but i never listen. i won't listen.

going back home. yellow lights, flashing through the corner of my eye. i can only think about saving people. not saving them right now. saving them from the actions that may have hindered them in the past and have affected them right now, in the present or even in the future. i've always thought about saving you, saving you from the cold clutches of the all those that you didn't deserve coming at you. you never deserved any of those. but mind you, i can't save you now. there are others that need more saving.

people whose hearts are broken even before their hearts are actually formed.

jau imagined at 2:26 AM

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