again and again

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

the last time i looked the sky, so as to see some stars, all i saw was smog. or maybe, they were clouds? i dont really know. it took me 30 mins. to find one star. yes, one star. how pathetic. but finding the star (that i didn't really), it really made me happy. i'd still get the same childhood wonder. my eyes still lit up at the thought of, wow. may star. yes, i was a petty child i guess. or maybe i just refused to face reality aand actually be frank with myself that it was indeed pathetic. but what the heck. this night, i found a star. yeah, look at the star, admist clouds? smog? do you really care? its a star. go appreciate it for what it is. beautiful.

its all about control. for example, driving the car, let's say, 3am in the morning, hypothetically. about that time, i could do anything on the road. swerve left, swerve right. ended me there and then. but i didn't want to, you don't want to. driving is control. the steering wheel is at my command. but, is it all a facade? i think it is. its just being me, being the usual control freak i think i am, or the person who i want to be, or i am just weak.

then i looked at the sky again. but this time, i saw an endless ream of stars. beyond expectation. but it's not as fun though. but who needs the stars anyway. this is just me being really weird and getting random thoughts. random thoughts again? yeah. haha. so i'll just look at that yellow lampost. the light pierces its way through the windshield but penetrates nothing. forget about the stars, when i have the vast darkness before me. a darkness that waits to be touched. how do i spend my final days? i spend it with much vigor as i can. okay, grammatically incorrect. but not really. do you still care. champagne supernova in the sky. like that song, someday you will find me, caught beneath the landslide. and between live forever and stop crying your heart out, there was a wonderwall. yeah. weird and random thoughts. but let me hold my own hand and take myself there. let me reach for the unspoken thought and grasp for the unplayed sound. after which, i should be able to see, that champagne supernova in you [in me], the landslide the keeps rumbling in the inside. this is how much i appreciate the things i never get to see. maybe i don't. maybe i do? im was always unsure of myself. im quite amazed that im not a cynic despite all this. maybe i never had it in me. maybe i was just looking for something worse. but i'm pessimistic. i don't regret. and when the lampost slit through the flesh and burned. i felt the high in me. there, i realized how lamposts are equally beautiful as stars. that though they pierce and slit, without actually penetrating anything, they remain, unique. powerful. its just me talking again and again. are you tired of hearing me talk? maybe this is again a "me" mechanism at work. i just want to protect myself. there's nothing wrong with that. perfectly fine. it's who you are.

so this is it. last 3 or 4 hours. i take a look again, at that lampost. the light won't ever seem to end. or maybe im just seeing things now. yeah, im still perfectly sane. and no, im not crazy. yet. i tell you this is me talking, im looking out for myself. selfish, but im being real. more real than probably that man walking on the street. i know i know. so let me please myself by closing my eyes. and what the hell. i remember. im manhid. but not that manhid. i can actually do things without injecting any emotion. weird mehn! but that's really it. that's the truth. i remember live forever. maybe you're the same as me, we see things they'll never see. yeah we do. we are. i see. you see. same thing. this will be me talking random thing again. im sorry, but im just getting the vibe. random things. out of place. lost in transit. different. way different. inexplicable. one last hurrah. indifferent with emotion? i don't think so.

again and again. every second. everyday after the start. saw it. believed it.

the whole night was perfect. the stars. the drive. the lampost. me, appreciating it all. me. em. reverse. twisted. champagne supernova, perfect background. beautiful.

stop crying your heart out.

jau imagined at 1:50 PM

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